Gratitude-Free Zone

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving, just like I don't celebrate Columbus Day. The story of the first Thanksgiving I was taught in school is a lie, the kind of lie that my Jewish friends were taught in Hebrew school as kids. A lie that is told to cover up genocide and land theft and erase the histories of entire peoples.

I am not thankful for this:

Or this:

I'm real happy that a lot of you have decided to take this day (or even this entire month) to remember to practice gratitude, and I like gratitude and think it's important.

But I just felt the need to carve out a little corner of the internet today in which to say, "No, thank you." Today is a day of mourning all those murders, rapes, mutilations, all that enslavement and lying and theft that happened and continues to happen in North America and Palestine and all over the world.

Also gonna mourn my grandma, who left this life on Thanksgiving a few years ago. She had a big mouth and an attitude and was one of my favorite people ever. Love you, Gram.

Are You Still Here?

Haiku for Redirecting You to a More Important Blog

Looking for new posts?
Just go here, read all of this,
Come back when you're done.

A Public Service Announcement (Disguised as a Clip Show)

I looked at the Times Haiku Blog recently (thanks to reader "amplituhedron") and thought, "But those aren't even haiku. They're just sentences with 17 syllables." I looked at it some more and thought, "But they look a lot like mine, don't they?"

So it seems like the responsible thing to do, as the proprietor of an internet website with literally tens of readers, to shed a little light on what a haiku actually is. I realize not all of us were able to attend a crappy state school where other cultures' art forms were watered down and spoon-fed, so I'll fill you in on some things I learned.

7 Things About Haiku That This Blog Gets Wrong

1. Language. Traditional haiku are in Japanese, while I write exclusively in English. A subtle distinction, lending itself to number 2 below.
2. Syllables. Japanese haiku count syllables differently. 17 Japanese haiku syllables are roughly equivalent to 12 in English.
3. Line breaks. Japanese haiku are usually printed in one line, not three.
4. Juxtaposition. Haiku are supposed to use a "cut" word, or equivalent punctuation, to set off two parallel or contrasting ideas or images.
5. Self-sufficiency. Haiku are meant to stand alone, not follow an anecdotal setup characterized by too many first-person pronouns.
6. Nature. I do it sometimes (mostly in autumn, it seems). More often, though, I write about stuff like zombies, brunch, noise music, and cassette tapes.
7. Seasons. You could also argue that some of my haiku qualify as seasonal. However, traditional haiku usually contain one of a prescribed list of words used to suggest a season.

Got any more? Leave em in the comments!

Till a' the seas gang dry

I am so in love with this plant right now.

O my Luve's like a Schlumbergera.

I bought it at the grocery store for, I don't know, a dollar, last winter. I was living in a friend's attic, waiting to learn the fate of my 10-year relationship. (Negatory on the outcome, for those keeping score at home.)

It has moved with me twice. I haven't re-potted it. I have watered it sporadically and apologetically. The wind knocked it over a bunch before I weighed it down with a mug. I've never seen it flower before.

And this month it has begun to bloom its little heart out.

Haiku for My Heartbreak and Resiliency

My life is just like

[Insert clever simile

About this cactus].

36 Chambers of Woo

Probably, the less said about this, the better.

Haiku for My Nonexistent Infection

Um, I'm pissing blood?
"Try some homeopathy."*
I. Am. Pissing. Blood.**

Oh, Vermont medical care.

*This line could have also read, "Maybe it's your period" or "Bet it's the testosterone."
**The bleeding has stopped, so please do not be (as) alarmed.

The sincerest form of flattery

So last Thursday night a dear friend shows up to the Halloween show looking pretty damn stylish. Plaid shirt, argyle sweater vest, bow tie, black cap. I'm not about to ask, "What are you dressed as?" because I want to figure it out. I do almost say, "Hey man, you look extra fly tonight," but I'm shy sometimes.

A short while later, this friend wordlessly hands me a slip of paper that reads:

My jaw crashes through the floor and into the basement.

I then have several more costume details pointed out to me, like a plaid fanny pack, the patchy "future haircut" I got a couple months ago, and my wrist tattoos, which my friend has duplicated expertly with a sharpie.

Also, eight more little slips of paper with a haiku on each.

I was really touched, and I maybe it's because I'm self-obsessed and vain. And maybe it's because I felt loved, and seen, and appreciated. If I have done anything to deserve such honor and beauty in my life, I hope I keep on doing it.

Up all night to get lucky

Haiku for October 31, 2013

Seven years' bad luck
Unless it's Halloween night
Then all bets are off